Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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