Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
