How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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