1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
...so i touched it.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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