My first STD was from a foam party
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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