my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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