I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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