i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
