My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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