Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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