Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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