go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
