Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
