life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
