what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
