wanna go halves on a baby?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
