We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
