Christians are straight up FREAKS
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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