the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
