I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
