I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
