Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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