when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I did not marry a roomba.
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