how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
