guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
