I wish I could punch you in the face.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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