when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Damn victory sex feels great
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
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