Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
