I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
