hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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