hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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