I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I need water and some morals
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
