shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
