found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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