i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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