Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
