I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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