Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
