Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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