I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
