Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
