I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
