So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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