I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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