he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
