His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
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You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?