Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win