Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.