dude i'm inner monologue high
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
