I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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