do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
