Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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