Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
