New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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