Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
