So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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