you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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