is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
