does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just found puke in my bra..
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
