somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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