Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
