Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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