I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
