you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
